I am racing rushes of INSTANT gratification, SARCASTICALLY perceptive, articulate FLUTTERS from the wings of a SOCIAL butterfly, DETERMINED intelligence and MANIPULATIVE perversions, IMPULSIVE actions and OUTLANDISH noises made at RANDOM, ARTISTICALLY testing limits of lesser minded, ORGANIZED chaos that some how makes PERFECT sense, the OPINIONATED voice that gives it in a different FRAME OF REALITY, conscious PASSIONATE liberated sexuality, DELIBERATE selfless LOVE and DEVOTION that you will never know.
Why can’t this relationship just be simple? Guess nothing once you become an adult is. Its like I try so damn hard to make sure he knows that he’s the most amazing thing in my world but yet it became clear to me tonight that he doubts it. He expressed that he’s got an issue with being left and because of how he acted its clear that he will leave me or push me away before I do it to him. I was uncomfortable after sex, took a shower and then went to go outside to get some space. He came out n got loud, I grabbed my stuff, by the door tried to talk to him and he told me get my shit and go. It hurt my feelings, I left. Got to the end of the road and turned around. I REFUSE to walk away. Got back to his house and he was sitting outside smoking. We talked and he has expressed that I make him feel like i want to change him, which I don’t. I wish he understood that I love him for him and he’s perfect for me. I have been sensitive since last weekend when he hurt my feelings about the girl. Im trying so hard not to be and he doesn’t understand. Im on my period which doesn’t help things at all. I want nothing more than to be everything to him and to have a HEALTHY relationship that’s forever ANS I WANT IT WITH DANIEL. There is no one else in the world that I want to spend every waking moment with. He’s becoming my beat friend. Its beautiful. I guess I need to seriously put a few things into perspective and then handle him accordingly. I truly with I could shrink him down and let him run around in my heart n my mind so he would understand. I’m going to make thia work. I love him too much. Its just a matter of whether or both he’s going to be able to let go of the prior shit enuff so that we can work together. I’ve for my mind made up and he will be the only thing that stands with me or against me. I’ve loved before but I want this to be the last love I have for the rest of my life. I need to make sure that there’s no question in his mind. Ill prove it to him … whatever it takes.
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05.03.12
Am I really up right now ….
Doing the same shite that I shouldn’t be doing? ?? I think so. To boot I have to see his parents today. Ugh! I really shouldnt have done this knowing that those were the plans. However now I have to live with the consequences of my actions. YiPpI SkIpPi Xanax! If I didn’t have those I’d be so fucked right now. I’m still going to look like I haven’t slept n feel like crap til I take a nap but I guess it could be a lot worse. I could be at my own house dealing with my Mum! Dear good gawd that wld be a wreck n a half. He’s going to be waking up any minute n I’m ashamed of my actions. I just did it in my yard n in the bathroom. I think that makes me a certified hypocrite. OK so this isn’t so bad. He supposedly just did some yayos last night n then we went n got some more so i don’t feel all that horrible. Unless he were to find out. But really how would that even happen? I hope that it doesn’t. I don’t want to loose him over something as trivial as this. I vow to myself that this is the last time. For good. I’m done with everything. I’m going to be the women that he wants me to be and the women I owe it to myself to finish becoming. I’m too close to let it all go … especially on this when I’ve already lost so much. I couldn’t start over n there r no more chances. This is the last one I have. I’ve come so far n I will not pick it up again. If I do nothing else for myself I will do this.
